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Bloody Mallory (2002): French Buffy the Vampire Slayer if it were a Shit Post

Ah, France! The country of beauty, romance (at least that’s what we see in pop culture), and history! But besides all that, do you know what their crowning achievement was? No, it wasn’t the Eiffel Tower, rather it was their attempt at making Buffy the Vampire Slayer but in live action anime form! Introducing…Bloody Mallory!

Mallory (Olivia Bonamy), a red-haired demon-kicking badass, is the leader of a paranormal group consisting of explosives expert Vena Cava (Jeffrey Ribier), mute telepath Talking Tina (Thylda Bares), and some poor police investigator who gets killed and replaced in the first 10 minutes. After a night fighting off demons birthed from pregnant nuns, Talking Tina is left in a coma. Meanwhile, The Pope has been kidnapped by an evil vampire lady named Lady Dimitres—I mean—Valentine! Yes, Lady Valentine! She wishes to use The Pope to summon Abbadon, a demon from Hell to lay waste to Earth. It’s up to Mallory and her gang to rescue The Pope and save the world!

Pulling up to the club like

I have to say that this film is one of the strangest bad films I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen A LOT of bad films! The costumes and action scenes are very reminiscent to both anime and 90s video games, something along the lines of Kill la Kill or Tekken. Despite the action scenes looking really goofy, they add to the silliness of the film and thoroughly entertain you with how bad the effects look. Meanwhile, the film incorporates a plethora of vampires, demons, and other monstrosities that I can’t even describe. One of the demons is a telepathic, faceless shapeshifter with long hair, and others include monsters that look like they were rejects from The Hills have Eyes.

Lady Valentine herself is an ancient vampire from the French Revolution that survived execution. At a glance, you can tell that she is from the 1700s, from the hair, clothes, and mannerisms and Valentina Vargas does a decent job at making her entertaining to watch. The rest of the film’s effects are rather lackluster, with very dodgy CGI and green screen. However, this film didn’t have the biggest budget to work with, and for a small-budget film, I would say that it does a decent job with its effects and costumes.

Name this band

One thing I couldn’t stand about this movie is its overuse of Dutch angles. Dutch angles are primarily used to convey to the audience that something in the scene isn’t right. A good example of this is Season 3 of Stranger Things, where it’s hinted that the people of Hawkins are under the influence of the Mind Flayer. However, in Bloody Mallory, it’s a coin toss on what scenes are Dutch angles and which ones are not. A great drinking game is take a shot after every Dutch angle you see.

Another thing I hated in this movie is the soundtrack, particularly the main theme. It has this dream-like sound to it with smooth, high-pitched vocals. However, it also sounds really annoying and repeats nonstop! Worse of all, it’s also extremely catchy and it got stuck in my head for days after just watching the film once. The second time I watched the movie, I actually had to fast forward through the sections that had the music! It’s so headache-inducing and torturous that it actually makes “Friday” by Rebecca Black tolerable!

This is a movie that while silly, is also kind of entertaining. Sure, the story is a bit shoddy and its effects are subpar, but it is an enjoyable film if you are three drinks in and hanging out with a large group of friends who also like to watch bad films. Go give this a watch and try not to get motion sickness from the Dutch angles or get the main theme stuck in your head for the next three months.

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